Laryngaphone

A Laryngaphone is a device designed to amplify the vibrations of someone’s throat who cannot speak in a normal fashion. It is a medical device that’s still in use today, but they are usually portable. Having a public in the form of a telephone is really unusual, though I suppose it does somewhat increase accessibility for the handicapped. The problem is that a lot of people likely tried using it as a regular phone. It also likely did not have a very pleasant sound quality. The person listening on the other end probably thought they were in a horror film.

Dimple Maker

We all want to be beautiful. And if there were inventions that promised to make us more beautiful than we were, we’d buy it in a heartbeat. Hence why the makeup industry makes billions of dollars. The dimple maker is not nearly as extreme as some of the other inventions on this list, as it’s just a cheek clamp. It was invented by Mrs. E. Isabella Gilbert in 1936. This product was denounced by the American Medical Association, as it didn’t actually give you dimples. It simply indented your face temporarily, before your skin eventually went back to normal. But it might give you cancer, though.

A Hat That Grows Hair

The cringe is strong with this one. Invented by Alois Merke. He promised that anyone who wore his “New Kind of Hat” for just 10 minutes a day would regrow their hair in just 30 days, guaranteed. You can trust him due to the thousands of cases of baldness he treated. Apparently there was no upfront cost. Just mail in a coupon, and only send the money if you are happy with the product. Perhaps it was just a gag, or perhaps a vintage style phishing scam. Falling for an identity theft scam will lose you more than just hair.

Cat Mew Phone

Don’t pretend that you didn’t already know this was invented in Japan. This thing is so bizarre. The Cat Mew Machineplugs into a wall outlet. Yet they claimed it capable of things that are darn near impossible for even a modern machine. They asserted that it can actually visually detect a mouse. It will then emit a cat’s meow and chase the mouse, even though there appears to be no clear method of locomotion. A modern cat robot made today that was actually capable of seeing a mouse, knowing what it was, and pursuing it effectively would be an absolute marvel. But for now, we will have to settle for real cats.

Cigarette Keep Track Case

Smoking is an unhealthy habit, and this article is in no way encouraging the practice. However, this novelty cigarette case requires a second look. It keeps track of how many cigarettes you gave to a friend with a relatively simple mechanism. The case has two buttons, with the first opening the case. Then the second button opens the case AND ticks a counter over by one. Sure, there are many other ways to do the same thing, like a notepad or memory. But both require minimal effort. This is so tactile and effortless. Imagine a case like that today, but for chewing gum, instead!

Mirrored Back Brush

Out of all the inventions on this list, this one might be the most pointless. Why? Just why? I can’t even. Imagine being so devoid of brain matter you can’t brush your own back with a normal back brush. They can’t do anything regarding their own body without a direct line of sight. Really? Then how do they even wipe themselves after using the bathroom?! Can’t scratch your own back? Well, good luck with this thing. It only requires perfectly aligning a pair of mirrors that jerk in all directions while you use it. The brush isn’t even angled properly. Just useless.

Shaving Bot

Actually not a terrible idea as far as inventions go. Seriously, just hear me out. First off, you have to wonder what exactly would convince a man to allow another man to be that close to his neck with a razor. One slip up, and that’s it. A robotic arm could be fine tuned to make only the smallest movements, and even to not move at all if the operator jerks too suddenly. In fact, they are being used today, but for robotic surgery, for precisely that reason. The only thing holding this back is that no real barber would have hoped to afford it.

Cigarette Umbrella

Anyone who has ever experienced rain knows that even a normal umbrella is dubious when it’s so windy the water falls sideways. Someone either thought that people are so stupid that ads can sell anything, or worse. They actually believed it was a good product. What I actually want to believe is that Robert L. Stern, president of Zeus Corp, already knew this, and the 1956 Rainy Day Cigar Holder was only meant as a humorous novelty item. It would make an excellent gag gift for Chirstman or birthdays, even today. File this one under, “Could sell on Etsy, actually.”

Anti Bandit Bag

File this one under “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” This briefcase had a pull-out bottom attached to a chain. In theory, a thief would steal it, only to pull the chain and send the contents flying. Forget having a firm grip, or a lock code that wasn’t “1234”. All it would take was for just one accidental discharge for you to just decide to use a normal briefcase. The genius behind this item was a man named John H. T. Rinfret. It was a product perfectly designed to make the short-sighted believe they’re actually playing the long game.

Feet Brush

Nothing quite hits the right mix of misogyny and stupidity like the Feet Brush. Someone actually thought that walking on a soapy floor with less-than-solid footwear was a great idea. It was such a great idea, you didn’t even have to pay attention to what you were doing. You could do anything, like read a book! Imagine being engrossed in the latest entry in the A Court of Thorns and Roses series, and a patch of extra soapy floor sends you flying backwards and snaps your neck. The truly concerning fact was that it wasn’t laughed out of the room.

Nipple Bra

“Now you can have that sensual no-bra look while wearing a bra,” read the ad for the Nipple Bra, the first (and last) women’s bra to have a built-in nipple. I’ll be honest, this just seems like the best of both worlds. It was made of nylon, and was even machine washable! $20 for the bra, and $15 for shipping. Apparently it was mail order only. A shame, really. Would have been a real head-turner for a window display. It is hard to imagine a more inappropriate item of dress, but it’s not unimaginable for it to see a comeback.

How did we find this stuff? Here are our sources:

Bizarre and interesting vintage inventions from the past, 1920s-1970s. Rare Historical Photos.

In 1929, Spruce veneer bathing suits were described as simple, cheap, and easy to make, yet fashionable and modern. Boban Docevski. 2016.

The Snogometer, a Fantastic Contraption to Measure the Voltage of Snogs, 1965. Vintage EveryDay. 2018.

This 1959 ‘Anti-Bandit Bag’ Promised to Scare Off Thieves—With Smoke. Atlas Obscura. Michael Waters. 2017.

The Nipple Bra Is The 1970s Most Confusing Contribution To Lingerie History. Brie Dias. Huffington Post. 2013.

Bike Keeps Family in Stitches. Vintage EveryDay. 2022.

The Woman’s Armored Bra of WWII. Chris Callahan. Guns. 2013.

This Crazy Anti-Distraction Helmet From 1925 Is Still Relevant Today. LMA. Bored Panda. 2018.

Brush and Shine. Don Brinn. The Pantagraph. 2015.

The Simplicity “Air-Conditioned Lawnmower” 1957. Samuel McCall. Wacky Explorer.

The bizarre history of the baby cage, 1934-1948. Rare Historical Photos.

1921 Baby Stroller with Radio. Get Yesterday’s News Today.

Adhesive Bras: The stick-on bra swimsuit that was quite distinctive, 1949. Rare Historical Photos.

This piano for bedridden musicians was a real-life 1930s invention. Mandy Shaw Roberts. Classic FM. 2022.

Reading in Bed Without Pillows. Peter Biľak. Works That Work. 2023.

The 1930s ‘Pedestrian Catcher’ That Promised to End Jaywalking Deaths. Michael Waters. Atlas Obscura. 2017.

Old, Weird Tech: Plastic Snowstorm Face Protectors. Alexis C. Madrigal. The Atlantic. 2010.

The Revolver Camera: A Colt 38 Carrying a Small Camera That Automatically Takes a Picture When You Pull the Trigger. Vintage Everyday. 2017.

This Dash-Mounted Coffee Maker Is Likely the Rarest Volkswagen Accessory Ever. Peter Holderith. The Drive. 2020.

The hard work of selling bomb shelters in the 1950s. CBC. 2018.

Why Goodyear’s Bizarre Glowing Tires Were A Failure. Slash Gear. 2022.

Vintage pictures of bizarre vending machines you never knew existed, 1920-1960. Rare Historical Photos.