Bald Head Polisher

On January 12, 1950, engineer Ted Spence of the Los Angeles Brush Manufacturing Corp. demonstrated the “Hairline Brush.” This brush was specifically designed to fit the contours of a bald head and featured bristles for brushing hair, as well as a felt pad for gently massaging the scalp. A well groomed man needs to take care of his hair. Until he doesn’t. Then he has to make sure his chrome dome is all nice and shiny. Needing a brush and polisher is perfectly reasonable, but why on God’s good green earth did someone think they needed to put both onto a hooked handle? What if you wanted to polish the outside and not the inside, or not brush at all? What if your head was a different shape? Anormal brush and polisher is so much better. Whoever invented this had more missing than a few hair follicles.

Economy Bomb Shelter

You may have wondered to yourself, what was the point of those old duck-and-cover shorts from the 1950’s? Why hide under a desk when the bomb blast is going to kill you? The answer is that you just might be far away enough that it won’t, but flying debris still might. Perhaps the same idea was behind the economy bomb shelter. Though it looks to be sitting too far above ground for my taste. It may have worked fairly well, but does your family survive only to slowly die in a nuclear apocalypse? I’m not sure which is worse, frankly.

See-Through Boats

This is actually a pretty cool idea, kinda. You get to pear below the water level and see all there is to see in your local lake or river. The thing is, you probably don’t want to see everything down there. It tends to be a whole writhing mess of plant splooge, trash, and big ugly fish you never knew could exist. Really, it’s just better not knowing what is under the surface. Imagine taking it out into the deep ocean. Imagine just staring deep into that infinite abyss. An endless void of deep and nothingness, and what lurks beneath. This is one of those inventions that lasted the test of time. Clear bottom boats still exist today.

Automatic Tip Request

If you live in the United States, then you already know about our tipping culture. Our service industry workers are criminally underpaid, and it has fallen on the public to tip them in order to receive a living wage. But out of all the inventions on this list, this one seems the most shameful. There are some things you see and just ask yourself if there was some hilarious movie you missed. Would it provide the context for what you’re looking at? The questions keep coming. What would someone think if they saw a fake hand and box attached to some dude’s back asking for money? Would they oblige? Would they be too embarrassed to acknowledge it? Who could willingly wear this in public without shame? There are so many questions.

Monopod Seats

Also known as “seat sticks”, Monopod Seats are still a thing. You can buy them online right now, if you really want to. Both Walmart and Amazon sell them for around $40 to $50. In fact, it’s just down right shocking that they are never seen in the wild. Who knows, perhaps that’s just a false generalization. Maybe they’re actually everywhere: in people’s cars, people’s houses, people’s purses, waiting for that one brave soul to actually just whip one out and sit their butt down, but not really. You kinda casually lean on it…or just bring a lawn chair the next time you need to stand in a long line.

Spaghetti Spinners

It’s a powered fork that spins at the press of a button. That’s it. It might serve as a good gag gift for someone who always eats their spaghetti in a certain way, but it is in no way practical. Anyone who is too lazy to spin their own spaghetti is too lazy to replace the batteries on this thing when it dies. Even if it’s a good laugh, it’s one of those items that end up in a hardware drawer for 30 years. Funny enough, you can buy one of these today for around $30, if you want to waste your money.

Rocket Bike

During pre-war Germany in the 1930s, rocket-propelled vehicles inspired countless new inventions. These rocket-propelled vehicles included cars, airplanes, boats, motorcycles, and skates, both roller and ice. However, one of the most peculiar uses of rocket propulsion was on a bicycle. In 1931, German engineer Herr Richter created the Raketenrad, or rocket-bike, by attaching twelve black powder solid-fuel rockets to the rear of his bicycle. Richter then attempted to ride his creation down the Avus race track in Berlin, reportedly achieving a top speed of 55 miles per hour. Then he lost control and was thrown from the bike. Fortunately, Richter was not seriously hurt.

Sunning Chair

This just makes sense. You want to lay out in your backyard and get a tan? Don’t want to lay your head to one side and get an uneven tan on your face? 10-year-old Marne Smith had the right idea in 1964. Cut a hole in it. Masseuses do it. Why can’t you? This needs to be normalized. #cutAHoleInIt. Don’t think about damaging your property. Just buy a second one for when you want to tan your front. Find a partner to split the cost and to trade spots with. Treat yourself. You deserve it. Cut a hole in it. In fact, face-down chairs with holes still exist today, and you can buy them at Target.

Jetpack

Always new and always old, the jet pack is one of those inventions that never seems to go out of style. Some are powered by water pumps, and others are simply glorified leaf blowers. Very very few are crazy enough to actually try to strap something onto their backs that shoot fire. That fantasy is usually saved for the movies. The risk of car accidents and plane crashes are tragic enough. It’s often portrayed as living the dream of personal flight, but would we really want to live in a world where periodically some guy falls out of the sky and splatters himself on the pavement?

Dashboard Coffee

This dash-mounted coffee maker for the Volkswagen Beetle is incredibly rare, and sought after by vintage car collectors. It was called the “Hertella Auto Kaffeemachine“. The machine has no markings to indicate the correct voltage and no power switch. When plugged into the cigarette lighter, it heats up automatically, and it is unclear what kind of coffee it brews. Although it is expensive, the rarity of the Hertella Kaffeemachine makes it a unique and eye-catching accessory to install in a Beetle. This needs to be in every car. Sometimes you’re just running late or it’s just cold outside. Or you just want that amazing smell of ground coffee to sooth your mind as you grind through rush hour traffic. Every car seemingly still has a cigarette lighter. Replace them with coffee makers. Who cares if it’s a pain in the butt to clean.

Anti Distraction Helmet

We all have that friend who took Covid seriously. Very seriously. Some of the things that came out of the pandemic were just bizarre. A lot of people were pushed to their breaking point. In 1925, Hugo Gernsback must have been pushed beyond the point of sanity by something, because his anti distraction helmet is one of the most far out things you’ll see, like, ever. It blocked out 95% of all sound, and the field of vision was so narrow it was guaranteed you would not notice anyone walking by. Constantly checking your oxygen supply would defeat the purpose, though.

Plastic Safety Bras

It’s like a safety cup, but for your tatas. Great idea, actually. These, however, were designed to protect women who were just beginning to work in industry during WWII. The company that invented it was Wilson Goggles. Yet, that was the company’s name, they called their product the SAF-T-BRA. It was designed to prevent certain occupational hazards around heavy machinery involving certain female anatomy. Certainly, it was a great idea, especially for someone who may not have been accustomed to mechanical hazards. They didn’t have sports bras back then, and some women are so well endowed, close calls are inevitable.

Sewing Machine Bike

Charles Steinlauf’s creation, the “Goofybike,” is a two-story vehicle designed to carry the entire Steinlauf family. The inventor himself rides at the top, steering the contraption with a massive automobile steering wheel. Meanwhile, Mrs. Steinlauf operates a sewing machine from below. The couple’s son pedals from behind while their daughter rides on the handlebars in front. Thanks to the sewing machine’s projecting legs, the unusual vehicle remains stable when at rest and is prevented from tipping over. Just imagine: It’s a windy day, your thread is flying everywhere, the family has to dodge a distracted pedestrian, the bike jerks around and you bounce up and down with every crack in the road. God forbid the wife isn’t doing domestic work 24/7 and enjoys a family outing.

Snogometer

Malcolm Pickard, a teenager from 1960s England, created a device called the “Snogometer” to measure the voltage of passionate kisses. The device involved holding electrodes in each hand, with sound effects and a lighted scale showing the level of passion. Despite spending two pounds on electrical equipment and testing it on a couple, the device was deemed dangerous and left a coppery taste in users’ mouths. However, the Snogometer earned Pickard a brief stint of fame, receiving fan mail from all over the world and even recognition on the street. Ultimately, the invention did not go anywhere, but it remains a quirky relic of teenage ingenuity from the 1960s.

Laryngaphone

A Laryngaphone is a device designed to amplify the vibrations of someone’s throat who cannot speak in a normal fashion. It is a medical device that’s still in use today, but they are usually portable. Having a public in the form of a telephone is really unusual, though I suppose it does somewhat increase accessibility for the handicapped. The problem is that a lot of people likely tried using it as a regular phone. It also likely did not have a very pleasant sound quality. The person listening on the other end probably thought they were in a horror film.

Dimple Maker

We all want to be beautiful. And if there were inventions that promised to make us more beautiful than we were, we’d buy it in a heartbeat. Hence why the makeup industry makes billions of dollars. The dimple maker is not nearly as extreme as some of the other inventions on this list, as it’s just a cheek clamp. It was invented by Mrs. E. Isabella Gilbert in 1936. This product was denounced by the American Medical Association, as it didn’t actually give you dimples. It simply indented your face temporarily, before your skin eventually went back to normal. But it might give you cancer, though.

A Hat That Grows Hair

The cringe is strong with this one. Invented by Alois Merke. He promised that anyone who wore his “New Kind of Hat” for just 10 minutes a day would regrow their hair in just 30 days, guaranteed. You can trust him due to the thousands of cases of baldness he treated. Apparently there was no upfront cost. Just mail in a coupon, and only send the money if you are happy with the product. Perhaps it was just a gag, or perhaps a vintage style phishing scam. Falling for an identity theft scam will lose you more than just hair.

Cat Mew Phone

Don’t pretend that you didn’t already know this was invented in Japan. This thing is so bizarre. The Cat Mew Machineplugs into a wall outlet. Yet they claimed it capable of things that are darn near impossible for even a modern machine. They asserted that it can actually visually detect a mouse. It will then emit a cat’s meow and chase the mouse, even though there appears to be no clear method of locomotion. A modern cat robot made today that was actually capable of seeing a mouse, knowing what it was, and pursuing it effectively would be an absolute marvel. But for now, we will have to settle for real cats.

Cigarette Keep Track Case

Smoking is an unhealthy habit, and this article is in no way encouraging the practice. However, this novelty cigarette case requires a second look. It keeps track of how many cigarettes you gave to a friend with a relatively simple mechanism. The case has two buttons, with the first opening the case. Then the second button opens the case AND ticks a counter over by one. Sure, there are many other ways to do the same thing, like a notepad or memory. But both require minimal effort. This is so tactile and effortless. Imagine a case like that today, but for chewing gum, instead!

Mirrored Back Brush

Out of all the inventions on this list, this one might be the most pointless. Why? Just why? I can’t even. Imagine being so devoid of brain matter you can’t brush your own back with a normal back brush. They can’t do anything regarding their own body without a direct line of sight. Really? Then how do they even wipe themselves after using the bathroom?! Can’t scratch your own back? Well, good luck with this thing. It only requires perfectly aligning a pair of mirrors that jerk in all directions while you use it. The brush isn’t even angled properly. Just useless.

Shaving Bot

Actually not a terrible idea as far as inventions go. Seriously, just hear me out. First off, you have to wonder what exactly would convince a man to allow another man to be that close to his neck with a razor. One slip up, and that’s it. A robotic arm could be fine tuned to make only the smallest movements, and even to not move at all if the operator jerks too suddenly. In fact, they are being used today, but for robotic surgery, for precisely that reason. The only thing holding this back is that no real barber would have hoped to afford it.

Cigarette Umbrella

Anyone who has ever experienced rain knows that even a normal umbrella is dubious when it’s so windy the water falls sideways. Someone either thought that people are so stupid that ads can sell anything, or worse. They actually believed it was a good product. What I actually want to believe is that Robert L. Stern, president of Zeus Corp, already knew this, and the 1956 Rainy Day Cigar Holder was only meant as a humorous novelty item. It would make an excellent gag gift for Chirstman or birthdays, even today. File this one under, “Could sell on Etsy, actually.”

Anti Bandit Bag

File this one under “It seemed like a good idea at the time.” This briefcase had a pull-out bottom attached to a chain. In theory, a thief would steal it, only to pull the chain and send the contents flying. Forget having a firm grip, or a lock code that wasn’t “1234”. All it would take was for just one accidental discharge for you to just decide to use a normal briefcase. The genius behind this item was a man named John H. T. Rinfret. It was a product perfectly designed to make the short-sighted believe they’re actually playing the long game.

Feet Brush

Nothing quite hits the right mix of misogyny and stupidity like the Feet Brush. Someone actually thought that walking on a soapy floor with less-than-solid footwear was a great idea. It was such a great idea, you didn’t even have to pay attention to what you were doing. You could do anything, like read a book! Imagine being engrossed in the latest entry in the A Court of Thorns and Roses series, and a patch of extra soapy floor sends you flying backwards and snaps your neck. The truly concerning fact was that it wasn’t laughed out of the room.

Nipple Bra

“Now you can have that sensual no-bra look while wearing a bra,” read the ad for the Nipple Bra, the first (and last) women’s bra to have a built-in nipple. I’ll be honest, this just seems like the best of both worlds. It was made of nylon, and was even machine washable! $20 for the bra, and $15 for shipping. Apparently it was mail order only. A shame, really. Would have been a real head-turner for a window display. It is hard to imagine a more inappropriate item of dress, but it’s not unimaginable for it to see a comeback.

How did we find this stuff? Here are our sources:

Bizarre and interesting vintage inventions from the past, 1920s-1970s. Rare Historical Photos.

In 1929, Spruce veneer bathing suits were described as simple, cheap, and easy to make, yet fashionable and modern. Boban Docevski. 2016.

The Snogometer, a Fantastic Contraption to Measure the Voltage of Snogs, 1965. Vintage EveryDay. 2018.

This 1959 ‘Anti-Bandit Bag’ Promised to Scare Off Thieves—With Smoke. Atlas Obscura. Michael Waters. 2017.

The Nipple Bra Is The 1970s Most Confusing Contribution To Lingerie History. Brie Dias. Huffington Post. 2013.

Bike Keeps Family in Stitches. Vintage EveryDay. 2022.

The Woman’s Armored Bra of WWII. Chris Callahan. Guns. 2013.

This Crazy Anti-Distraction Helmet From 1925 Is Still Relevant Today. LMA. Bored Panda. 2018.

Brush and Shine. Don Brinn. The Pantagraph. 2015.

The Simplicity “Air-Conditioned Lawnmower” 1957. Samuel McCall. Wacky Explorer.

The bizarre history of the baby cage, 1934-1948. Rare Historical Photos.

1921 Baby Stroller with Radio. Get Yesterday’s News Today.

Adhesive Bras: The stick-on bra swimsuit that was quite distinctive, 1949. Rare Historical Photos.

This piano for bedridden musicians was a real-life 1930s invention. Mandy Shaw Roberts. Classic FM. 2022.

Reading in Bed Without Pillows. Peter Biľak. Works That Work. 2023.

The 1930s ‘Pedestrian Catcher’ That Promised to End Jaywalking Deaths. Michael Waters. Atlas Obscura. 2017.

Old, Weird Tech: Plastic Snowstorm Face Protectors. Alexis C. Madrigal. The Atlantic. 2010.

The Revolver Camera: A Colt 38 Carrying a Small Camera That Automatically Takes a Picture When You Pull the Trigger. Vintage Everyday. 2017.

This Dash-Mounted Coffee Maker Is Likely the Rarest Volkswagen Accessory Ever. Peter Holderith. The Drive. 2020.

The hard work of selling bomb shelters in the 1950s. CBC. 2018.

Why Goodyear’s Bizarre Glowing Tires Were A Failure. Slash Gear. 2022.

Vintage pictures of bizarre vending machines you never knew existed, 1920-1960. Rare Historical Photos.