I’ve been a couples therapist for 20 years: Any of these 22 phrases is a red flag in relationships

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I’ve been a couples therapist for 20 years: Any of these 22 phrases is a red flag in relationships

By Chu E. - June 2, 2025

In my 20 years as a couples therapist, I’ve learned that the strength of a relationship hinges significantly on communication. Words can build trust, foster intimacy, and deepen bonds—or they can quietly erode the foundation of even the strongest partnerships. Through countless counseling sessions, I’ve discovered certain phrases often signal deeper underlying issues. Recognizing these red flags early can help couples repair and strengthen their relationships before lasting damage occurs. Here are 22 phrases that, if frequently used, may reveal trouble beneath the surface.

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1. “You’re just like your mother/father!”

I’ve been a couples therapist for 20 years: Any of these 22 phrases is a red flag in relationships — A tense family argument unfolds at the dinner table, revealing hurt feelings and strained expressions among members. | Image source: crewe.nub.news

Comparing your partner to their parent, especially during conflicts, often escalates tensions and triggers defensiveness. Such statements can deeply wound, undermining your partner’s individuality and suggesting they’re stuck repeating negative family patterns. Imagine a disagreement about household chores; blurting out, “You’re just like your mother, always nagging!” quickly moves the conversation from constructive to combative. Instead, express your concerns directly and respectfully. For example, say, “I feel overwhelmed when you repeatedly remind me about chores; let’s discuss a plan together.” Focusing on specific behaviors rather than personal comparisons promotes healthier dialogue and mutual understanding.

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2. “If you loved me, you’d know why I’m upset.”

Expecting your partner to intuitively understand your emotions without clear communication sets unrealistic expectations and breeds unnecessary frustration. This phrase implies love equals mind-reading, which simply isn’t fair or realistic. Imagine your partner forgot your anniversary dinner; silently stewing with thoughts like, “If they loved me, they’d know how hurt I feel,” only prolongs the misunderstanding. Instead, openly express your feelings: “I felt hurt when you forgot our anniversary dinner; it made me feel unappreciated.” Clearly articulating your emotions fosters understanding, empathy, and effective problem-solving in your relationship.

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3. “Maybe we should just break up.”

Using breakup threats during arguments creates emotional instability and undermines the security essential for a healthy relationship. Even if uttered impulsively, this phrase plants seeds of doubt and anxiety, making your partner fear abandonment each time conflict arises. For instance, after a disagreement about finances, blurting out, “Maybe we’re better off apart,” doesn’t resolve issues—it escalates fears. A healthier approach is expressing your need for space or clarity without ultimatums: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now; let’s pause this conversation and revisit it when we’re both calmer.” This fosters trust and stability during challenging moments.

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4. “I can’t trust you.”

Trust forms the bedrock of intimacy and emotional safety in relationships. Declaring “I can’t trust you” without context or openness damages that foundation, creating distance and resentment. Such accusations leave your partner feeling judged and helpless, uncertain how to rebuild closeness. Suppose your partner repeatedly arrives home late without explanation; rather than accusingly stating mistrust, approach the issue constructively: “I feel uneasy when you’re late without telling me. Can we talk about how to improve communication around your schedule?” Addressing specific behaviors openly invites understanding and collaborative solutions, strengthening trust instead of eroding it.

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5. “You always/never…”

Using absolute terms like “always” or “never” unfairly generalizes your partner’s behavior, making them feel attacked and misunderstood. Such statements oversimplify complex behaviors, fostering defensiveness rather than cooperation. For instance, accusing your partner with “You never help around the house!” disregards instances where they’ve contributed, shutting down productive dialogue. Instead, pinpoint specific situations and express feelings constructively: “I felt overwhelmed last night when I handled dinner alone; could we find a way to share responsibilities more evenly?” Focusing on particular moments and behaviors encourages mutual understanding and collaborative solutions, leading to healthier communication and genuine resolutions.

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6. “That’s stupid.”

Dismissive language like “That’s stupid” invalidates your partner’s opinions or feelings, creating an atmosphere of disrespect and discouraging open dialogue. Such remarks imply superiority and undermine mutual respect, causing your partner to withdraw emotionally. For example, if your partner excitedly shares an idea and you quickly respond with, “That’s stupid,” you diminish their enthusiasm and discourage future openness. Instead, practice respectful communication by saying, “I see things differently; can you tell me more about why you feel that way?” This conveys care and respect, fostering deeper understanding and emotional intimacy.

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7. “My ex never did this.”

Bringing past relationships into current conflicts invites unnecessary resentment and insecurity. Comparing your partner unfavorably with an ex-partner can make them feel inadequate, fostering jealousy and damaging trust. For instance, remarking, “My ex never forgot my birthday,” places unfair expectations on your partner and detracts from addressing the actual issue. Instead, communicate your feelings without comparisons: “It hurt me when you forgot my birthday; celebrating together is important to me.” This approach clearly expresses your needs without diminishing your partner’s worth, supporting healthier dialogue and reinforcing emotional security in your current relationship.

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8. “You’re too sensitive.”

Telling your partner they’re “too sensitive” dismisses their emotions, implying there’s something inherently wrong with their feelings. This invalidation creates emotional distance, causing your partner to suppress genuine reactions and feel misunderstood. Imagine your partner becomes upset over a joke you made; responding with “You’re too sensitive” discourages open expression. Instead, acknowledge their feelings respectfully: “I’m sorry my comment hurt you; it wasn’t my intention. Can you help me understand why it upset you?” Validating emotions fosters trust and empathy, allowing both partners to communicate openly and honestly without fear of judgment.

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9. “We’re fine, we don’t need therapy.”

Dismissing the idea of seeking professional help can prevent couples from addressing underlying issues and inhibit meaningful growth. When one partner suggests counseling, responding with “We’re fine, we don’t need therapy” minimizes their concerns and places barriers to constructive dialogue. Instead, approach the suggestion openly: “I didn’t realize you felt we needed therapy. Can we talk about what’s bothering you?” Acknowledge counseling as a proactive step, not a sign of failure. Embracing outside help can equip both partners with valuable tools for deeper understanding, stronger connection, and more effective problem-solving.

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10. “It’s not my fault, it’s yours.”

Blame-shifting statements like “It’s not my fault, it’s yours,” prevent meaningful resolution by escalating defensiveness and resentment. Pointing fingers rather than accepting responsibility can trap couples in an endless cycle of conflict and frustration. Imagine arriving late to an important event; defensively claiming, “It’s your fault we’re late,” only intensifies tension. Instead, take responsibility and collaboratively seek solutions: “I’m sorry we’re late; let’s figure out how we can manage our time better next time.” Owning your role in conflicts fosters trust, encourages mutual accountability, and creates space for genuine problem-solving and growth.

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11. “You’re overreacting.”

Telling your partner they’re overreacting invalidates their emotions, making them feel unheard and diminishing trust. Even if their emotional response seems disproportionate, dismissing their feelings can amplify hurt and resentment. Suppose your partner becomes visibly upset over canceled plans; responding with, “You’re overreacting,” shuts down communication and widens the emotional gap. Instead, try validating their perspective gently: “I see this really upset you—can you help me understand your feelings better?” A compassionate approach encourages openness and empathy, laying the groundwork for deeper emotional connection and effective conflict resolution.

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12. “I don’t care anymore.”

Expressing emotional detachment with phrases like “I don’t care anymore” signals disengagement and can deeply wound your partner, suggesting you’ve given up on resolving your issues. Such statements create distance and hopelessness, making it challenging to reconnect emotionally. If you’re frustrated or exhausted after repeated conflicts, instead of withdrawing, try saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to clear my head.” This demonstrates honesty about your feelings without implying apathy. Approaching emotional fatigue with openness and vulnerability can help rebuild understanding and strengthen the bond between you and your partner.

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13. “Do whatever you want.”

Using passive-aggressive remarks like “Do whatever you want” often masks underlying resentment or frustration, confusing your partner and hindering clear communication. Such ambiguous statements leave your partner guessing about your true feelings, creating tension and misunderstanding. Imagine your partner asks about attending an event without you; replying dismissively can breed resentment. Instead, openly share your feelings: “I’d prefer we spend time together tonight, but let’s discuss what’s important to both of us.” Clear, honest communication helps avoid unnecessary conflict and promotes mutual understanding, strengthening your emotional connection.

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14. “You’re lucky to have me.”

Declaring “You’re lucky to have me” implies superiority and fosters an unhealthy power imbalance in your relationship. This phrase positions your partner as inferior or indebted, undermining mutual respect and appreciation. Instead of elevating yourself, cultivate a balanced affirmation that honors both partners equally. For example, say, “I’m grateful we found each other,” or “We make a wonderful team.” These expressions emphasize mutual gratitude and shared value, creating a healthier connection built on equality, respect, and genuine appreciation rather than dominance or entitlement.

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15. “Stop asking so many questions.”

When you say, “Stop asking so many questions,” you effectively shut down open communication, leading your partner to feel excluded or suspicious. Such dismissiveness creates emotional distance and can plant seeds of doubt or mistrust. Instead of rejecting your partner’s inquiries, acknowledge their perspective and gently set boundaries: “I understand you have concerns, and I appreciate you wanting to talk. Right now, I need some space, but let’s revisit this conversation later.” Responding thoughtfully maintains trust and encourages open dialogue, ensuring both partners feel heard and respected.

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16. “I don’t owe you an explanation.”

Stating, “I don’t owe you an explanation,” signals defensiveness and creates barriers to trust and openness. Healthy relationships thrive on accountability, transparency, and mutual respect. When you dismiss your partner with such a phrase, it suggests secrecy or disregard for their feelings. Instead, strive for clear, honest dialogue: “I’m feeling uncomfortable discussing this right now, but your concerns matter to me. Can we talk later?” This approach validates your partner’s feelings while maintaining personal boundaries, fostering an environment of trust, respect, and emotional safety.

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17. “You wouldn’t understand.”

Using phrases like “You wouldn’t understand” implies your partner lacks empathy or insight, creating emotional distance and diminishing partnership. Exclusionary language signals that you’re unwilling to share, discouraging your partner from engaging in meaningful conversation. Instead, try inclusive communication: “I’m struggling to explain exactly how I’m feeling, but I’d like your support,” or “This is complicated for me; can we talk it through together?” Inviting your partner into your emotional experience promotes vulnerability, strengthens mutual trust, and reinforces the collaborative spirit necessary for a healthy, connected relationship.

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18. “You’re acting crazy.”

Labeling your partner’s feelings or reactions as “crazy” is a harmful form of gaslighting, undermining their emotions and causing them to doubt their own perceptions. Such dismissive language erodes trust, intensifies emotional distress, and prevents genuine understanding. Instead, acknowledge their feelings respectfully: “I can see you’re really upset right now, and I want to understand what’s bothering you.” Validating emotions—even if you disagree or don’t fully understand—builds empathy, strengthens emotional safety, and ensures both partners feel heard and respected during vulnerable moments.

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19. “I’m done talking about this.”

When you abruptly end a conversation by saying, “I’m done talking about this,” you risk escalating tension and leaving issues unresolved. Shutting down dialogue prematurely can leave your partner feeling dismissed and frustrated, intensifying emotional distance. Instead, if conversations become overwhelming, communicate your need for a pause clearly and respectfully: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now and need some time to process my thoughts. Can we revisit this later when we’re both calmer?” This approach acknowledges the importance of the discussion while ensuring emotions don’t escalate unnecessarily.

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20. “You should be grateful.”

Using phrases like “You should be grateful” can manipulate gratitude into obligation, fostering resentment rather than appreciation. This statement pressures your partner into feeling indebted, diminishing genuine emotional connection. Instead, express your own feelings sincerely: “I really enjoyed doing this for you,” or “It means a lot to me when you acknowledge my efforts.” Authentic expressions of appreciation and respect create an atmosphere of mutual gratitude, strengthening your relationship through genuine exchanges rather than feelings of guilt or obligation.

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21. “This is all your fault.”

Using blame-oriented language such as “This is all your fault” fosters defensiveness and resentment, halting productive dialogue. Assigning sole responsibility to your partner prevents mutual understanding and collaborative problem-solving. Instead of pointing fingers, approach conflicts with shared accountability: “I think we both contributed to this situation. How can we work together to fix it?” Adopting a cooperative mindset creates an environment where both partners feel safe acknowledging mistakes, leading to constructive conversations that enhance mutual respect and emotional connection.

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22. “It’s nothing.”

Dismissing concerns with “It’s nothing” creates communication barriers, signaling to your partner that you’re unwilling to share or trust them with your feelings. Such avoidance can breed anxiety, confusion, and frustration, leaving your partner guessing what’s truly bothering you. Instead, practice transparency by acknowledging your emotions: “Something is on my mind, but I need a moment to process it. Can we talk about it later?” This approach promotes openness, reinforces trust, and ensures both partners feel valued and included in the relationship.

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Final Thoughts

Healthy communication forms the heart of every thriving relationship. Over my 20 years as a couples therapist, I’ve witnessed how the words we choose can either nurture emotional intimacy or quietly erode trust. Recognizing harmful phrases—and replacing them with compassion, openness, and mutual respect—can transform your connection. Remember, conflicts are inevitable, but your approach to them matters greatly. Strive to communicate constructively, own your emotions, and listen actively. Consider this your invitation to pause and reflect: how can your words build a stronger, more fulfilling partnership today?

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